Understanding who I am

Two weeks ago, I went to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota to have a cochlear implant.  When we moved to MN from GA a year ago, I never dreamed I would be getting a cochlear implant at one of the best hospitals in the country- which is just 4 hours away!  I never thought I would ever have a cochlear implant at all.  I never really looked into it because I always thought that it was only for people who could not hear at all, even with hearing aids.  But apparently technology has greatly improved the last 10 years!

I was born deaf.  My parents did not know I was deaf until I was 6 months old.  They just thought I was a very good baby, so docile and calm. My family went to see the original Star Wars movie when it first came out in 1977.  My mom held me the whole time and would cover my ears during the loud parts...I never budged!  I slept through the whole movie.  They were very amazed I didn't even throw out my arms like babies do when they are startled.  When I woke up from my naps, my mom would talk to me, but when she came in view I would be startled to see her.  My family would clap their hands or drop something and I wouldn't jump in surprise.  They became concerned so my mom took me to have a hearing test done...and I didn't pass.  They were devastated.

 I was fitted for hearing aids at 9 months old, and when they were turned on...I had the biggest smile on my face when I heard for the first time.  I will need to find that picture of me smiling and post it on here!
I went to the Atlanta Area School for the Deaf when I was 2, and was taught how to sign.  But I also tried to talk.  I am the only one in my family who is deaf, but I could see their mouths moving and hear them making sounds with my hearing aids.  So of course, I would try to mimic them.  A speech therapist at the school tested me, and determined that it would be more beneficial for me to learn to talk than to use strictly sign language.  So to make a long story short, I had speech therapy for years and did not continue to learn sign language.  I was mainstreamed from the deaf school to a public school when I was 6....beginning the transition to my own "world"...between the deaf and hearing worlds.  I was not completely deaf that I could not hear with my hearing aids.  I didn't learn enough sign language to communicate with deaf people, but I didn't know many deaf people who signed after I left the deaf school.  I learned to lip-read to go along with what I could hear people saying.  I relied on lip-reading and hearing with my hearing aids to communicate with people.  I did the best I could trying to live in a hearing world.

If I turned around and someone was talking to me, I might hear them talking but not know they were talking to me or what they were saying.  It is hard for me to hear low and high frequency sounds, but I can hear almost everything in between.  I can hear vowels in words, but not most of the consonants.  For example if I turned my head and someone said "cat," I can hear the "ah" sound, but not the "c" or the "t" because they are high frequency sounds.  It could be "bat" or "mat" to me.  So a lot of the time, it's guesswork for me when people talk to me.  I can usually figure out what they are saying if they talk in sentences.  But if they are talking about something totally random or too fast, I am lost!  I am also lost when someone has a long mustache or if they smile while they are talking.  Or if they talk too low or if they don't move their lips or when they over-enunciate their words so it looks like they are saying 2 or more words instead of just one.  So usually by the end of the day I was exhausted because it's a lot of work to listen and try to understand what people are saying.

This might be a paradox, but I am thankful for who I am.  God doesn't make mistakes.  He allowed me to be born without ears to hear.  He has a purpose for me.  I have seen him work in my life in so many ways.  He has allowed me to hear with hearing aids.  I am thankful for that.  He has allowed me to be a good lip-reader, and I am thankful for that!  Being a good lip-reader has helped me to be a good listener.  I am able to read people's expressions and empathize with them what they are going through.  I am not sure if I would be this way if I could hear.  Who knows?  But I don't get angry at God for making me deaf.  I will take whatever He gives me and do what I can to give Him the glory.  Sure, I have my ups and downs.  I share my frustrations with him, and ask him to please help me understand people!  He knows how hard it is for me at times.  He knows how lonely I get sometimes, especially in group settings or when people laugh and I have no idea what they are laughing about.  I have prayed and asked him to help me with communication problems.

About 2 years ago, Fred started praying for God to heal me.  The elders in the church started praying over me that God would allow me to hear.  I believe that God allows miracles to happen, even today.  So I believed that one day I would hear.  Whether it happened while here on earth or in heaven, I know that I will hear again.  Well, I will share in my next post how it came to be that I decided to get a cochlear implant!